As our parents age, crafting a plan for the future becomes increasingly important. If you thought “The Talk” you had with them back in middle school was awkward, these conversations can be equally if not more uncomfortable.
Before sitting down with your loved ones, pick a good time and place that will make everyone comfortable. You need to be in the right mindset. Be prepared to be sensitive and a good listener. This is a back and forth conversation, not you the great orator giving the speech of a lifetime. What should you talk about? There are five critical categories that need to be discussed:
LIVING ARRANGEMENTS: Depending on the health of your loved one, this conversation could be as simple as asking where they would prefer to live when staying alone is no longer an option. If this is your situation, create an emergency plan if a sudden health issue forces a change. If they desire to live with a family member, decide who that will be. If they choose to enter an assisted living home, which ones do they prefer? The harder conversation happens when a transition must be made immediately. If your parent wants to live with a family member, discuss how this is or isn’t possible. If your loved one is a social butterfly and wants to be around his or her peers, what type of senior living home would best suit their needs and work with their finances? Be sensitive to their feelings while staying firm if their choice just isn’t a possibility.
FINANCES: It is always advantageous to understand your family’s financial situation. Do they have savings, assets, or debt? Make sure you know the financial institutions they utilize and the name of any financial planners who have helped them. Ask your loved ones for their vision of how they will handle their money in the coming years.
LEGAL DOCUMENTS: Make sure you can locate all legal documents such as living wills, deeds, and financial documents. You may also want to consider setting up a power of attorney.
INSURANCE: Be sure to have a good concept of your family member’s insurance plans so there are no surprises should a health issue arise.
END OF LIFE WISHES: The most difficult aspect of “The Talk” is discussing what happens once someone has passed. Very few humans enjoy talking about dying. If possible, try to bring this up separately in a more casual manner. There is just no easy way to address this issue unless your loved one has been proactive and already has a plan. When you get a chance, ask them whether they want to be buried or cremated. If they want to be buried, where do they want their resting place to be? What kind of memorial service would they like? Who would they like to speak? What songs should be played or sung? Each individual will have their own level of caring what happens after they have passed. Don’t push too hard if you aren’t getting the answers you need.
What if you meet resistance?
If your family member or members refuse to have “The Talk”, be patient. It may take multiple conversations to get the information you need. Make sure you share your worries with them and let them know all you want is for them to be happy, healthy and safe. If a decision needs to be made right away, calling in an impartial third party may make a difference. Ultimately, it is all about showing love, respect and understanding for a cherished person in your life.